In the latest development for Mary, someone finally bailed her husband out of jail. After hearing of this, Mary and Aunty went to the police station to get information on the conditions of the bail, but they were told to go to the courthouse for that information.
At the courthouse, they learned that the husband has been instructed not to go anywhere near Mary. If he does his bail will be rescinded and he will be back in jail. At some point in the future (possibly months), Mary and husband will be summoned to appear in court for a hearing. In the meantime, if husband does cause any trouble, like hassle Mary or take his kids out of Karunya Mane, we are to call the police station and they will arrest him again.
Given that husband was in jail for over three months, we hope that he has learned at least one lesson -- which is to obey the terms of his bail and stay away from Mary.
Showing posts with label Mary. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mary. Show all posts
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Update on Mary
Last week, Mary and Aunty talked to the police and Ranjini about her divorce case. The police were preparing the case, and her court date is likely one year from now given the clogged legal system. She and husband do have to go through one round of counseling, as a requirement, but Mary remains adamant that she wants no part of him in her life.
The police also said that, if found guilty, husband (who remains behind bars as nobody has bothered to bail him out) could get up to seven years for assault and battery. Aunty asked the police what would happen if she went to bail him out -- the policewoman simply said, "then the responsibility for he does next to Mary is on you."
The thought that the man could be in jail for seven years took a while to sink in, as -- although he clearly deserves it given what he's done to Mary over the many years of their marriage -- during seven years, many things could change. Aunty commented that his neighborhood would be different, his kids would be grown, and Mary would have by then moved on to a new life.
The police also said that, if found guilty, husband (who remains behind bars as nobody has bothered to bail him out) could get up to seven years for assault and battery. Aunty asked the police what would happen if she went to bail him out -- the policewoman simply said, "then the responsibility for he does next to Mary is on you."
The thought that the man could be in jail for seven years took a while to sink in, as -- although he clearly deserves it given what he's done to Mary over the many years of their marriage -- during seven years, many things could change. Aunty commented that his neighborhood would be different, his kids would be grown, and Mary would have by then moved on to a new life.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Update on Kamini and Mary
Kamini
A week ago, Kamini's husband, who has been calling her at KM and demanding that she return home, asked for their one-year-old son. We came to an agreement with him, where he could take baby for one week, then mom has baby for one week, and they rotate taking care of the little one on that timetable. He agreed. Mom wasn't very happy, but we told her that we suspected that dad would return baby after two or three days after he realized how difficult it is to take care of a baby. She knows that dad loves the children, but she also knows that when he drinks, he's a different person.
Sure enough, after the first day, dad returned baby to mom.
Dad remains very annoyed that Kamini won't return to her. He keeps asking us to tell her to return to him. We told him that she has no desire to go back to him. He couldn't understand that and asked why not. We then told him that it's because he beats her frequently, that the abuse really hurts her, and she's sick of it. He just stood there, seemingly unable to comprehend what we just told him.
Today, dad came to Karunya Mane and asked to take their older son (three years old). We were hesitant as the boy needs to take medicine every day without fail, but Kamini said that dad knows how to administer the meds properly. This time, Kamini actually came out to talk to dad. She then said that she wanted to go with him, back home, to try things out for a while and see if he's learned his lesson.
So Kamini is back with her husband, and their two boys are with them, hopefully happy and safe. We can only hope that dad learned his lesson---it seems he was completely unaware that abusing his wife is something she doesn't like. Jury's out on what will happen next, but we're all praying for the safety of Kamini's entire family.
Mary
Mary's case against her husband (who remains in jail as nobody has gone to bail him out) is moving forward. The counselor, Ranjiini, called to tell her that before the family court hears their case, they need to meet with a counselor to discuss the status of their marriage, and to determine whether there is any chance for a reconciliation. That counselor then makes a recommendation to the family court.
At this point, Mary is very happy with her life without her husband. She is staying at Karunya Mane at night and goes to work at Aunty's during the day---all without fear or worry that she'd face a drunk, abusive husband at home. She has no desire to try to reconcile with him, as she has done all that she possibly could for the past seven or eight years, and now wants a new life for herself and her kids. With Aunty's positive influence, Mary has outgrown her husband.
We're hoping that since husband has been in jail for so long now, he'll simply agree to anything Mary demands, just to get out of prison.
A week ago, Kamini's husband, who has been calling her at KM and demanding that she return home, asked for their one-year-old son. We came to an agreement with him, where he could take baby for one week, then mom has baby for one week, and they rotate taking care of the little one on that timetable. He agreed. Mom wasn't very happy, but we told her that we suspected that dad would return baby after two or three days after he realized how difficult it is to take care of a baby. She knows that dad loves the children, but she also knows that when he drinks, he's a different person.
Sure enough, after the first day, dad returned baby to mom.
Dad remains very annoyed that Kamini won't return to her. He keeps asking us to tell her to return to him. We told him that she has no desire to go back to him. He couldn't understand that and asked why not. We then told him that it's because he beats her frequently, that the abuse really hurts her, and she's sick of it. He just stood there, seemingly unable to comprehend what we just told him.
Today, dad came to Karunya Mane and asked to take their older son (three years old). We were hesitant as the boy needs to take medicine every day without fail, but Kamini said that dad knows how to administer the meds properly. This time, Kamini actually came out to talk to dad. She then said that she wanted to go with him, back home, to try things out for a while and see if he's learned his lesson.
So Kamini is back with her husband, and their two boys are with them, hopefully happy and safe. We can only hope that dad learned his lesson---it seems he was completely unaware that abusing his wife is something she doesn't like. Jury's out on what will happen next, but we're all praying for the safety of Kamini's entire family.
Mary
Mary's case against her husband (who remains in jail as nobody has gone to bail him out) is moving forward. The counselor, Ranjiini, called to tell her that before the family court hears their case, they need to meet with a counselor to discuss the status of their marriage, and to determine whether there is any chance for a reconciliation. That counselor then makes a recommendation to the family court.
At this point, Mary is very happy with her life without her husband. She is staying at Karunya Mane at night and goes to work at Aunty's during the day---all without fear or worry that she'd face a drunk, abusive husband at home. She has no desire to try to reconcile with him, as she has done all that she possibly could for the past seven or eight years, and now wants a new life for herself and her kids. With Aunty's positive influence, Mary has outgrown her husband.
We're hoping that since husband has been in jail for so long now, he'll simply agree to anything Mary demands, just to get out of prison.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Family court
From "Aunty":
"This morning [Thursday], Mary and I went to the family court to check out on divorce proceedings. we met a social worker named Ranjini who works for an NGO and has a permanent table just outside the family courtroom. We explained to her the situation that Mary is presently in. She advised us of the basic procedures. Mary needs to take some proof of their marriage. She only has one family photograph---for the time being that should be sufficient---to prove they are husband and wife. She will help Mary write an application to file for divorce. Normally, the women are asked to press for maintenance (alimony), in which case, an out-of-court reconciliatory meeting is held as procedure first, before the matter is actually taken up in court. If both parties seek divorce mutually, then the process is swift and easy. If husband refuses to agree to the divorce, then the matter will have to be fought out in the family court and may take some time to settle. She will be provided with a lawyer by the court who will take care of the case on her behalf, free. The appointment of lawyer will be made after 10 days from her application to file.
She will be going to meet Ranjini at 10 am tomorrow morning with the photograph and write out an application as step one. She will guide her throughout thereafter. Her phone number is also a helpline number for women. I think she helps women who need shelter and any other legal help. It would be interesting to learn more about women's issues from her. I will try and meet her again next week and be with Mary as far as possible during the case."
Today, Mary met Ranjini again, who helped her with the application and then introduced her to a lawyer. She indicated that she wanted no alimony from her husband, just to be free of him. In the process, Aunty and Mary learned that husband is still behind bars, as nobody has posted his bail (2,000 rupees). They requested that the police notify them if he is freed, for Mary's safety.
"This morning [Thursday], Mary and I went to the family court to check out on divorce proceedings. we met a social worker named Ranjini who works for an NGO and has a permanent table just outside the family courtroom. We explained to her the situation that Mary is presently in. She advised us of the basic procedures. Mary needs to take some proof of their marriage. She only has one family photograph---for the time being that should be sufficient---to prove they are husband and wife. She will help Mary write an application to file for divorce. Normally, the women are asked to press for maintenance (alimony), in which case, an out-of-court reconciliatory meeting is held as procedure first, before the matter is actually taken up in court. If both parties seek divorce mutually, then the process is swift and easy. If husband refuses to agree to the divorce, then the matter will have to be fought out in the family court and may take some time to settle. She will be provided with a lawyer by the court who will take care of the case on her behalf, free. The appointment of lawyer will be made after 10 days from her application to file.
She will be going to meet Ranjini at 10 am tomorrow morning with the photograph and write out an application as step one. She will guide her throughout thereafter. Her phone number is also a helpline number for women. I think she helps women who need shelter and any other legal help. It would be interesting to learn more about women's issues from her. I will try and meet her again next week and be with Mary as far as possible during the case."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Today, Mary met Ranjini again, who helped her with the application and then introduced her to a lawyer. She indicated that she wanted no alimony from her husband, just to be free of him. In the process, Aunty and Mary learned that husband is still behind bars, as nobody has posted his bail (2,000 rupees). They requested that the police notify them if he is freed, for Mary's safety.
Abuse
Today, one of our street moms, Kamini (name changed to protect her identity), came to our morning program in tears, her kids in tow. Last night, her husband hit her---and badly---on her face and head a few times. Her head hurt a lot, she said. She then told us that left the house and took her kids with her. They slept outside last night, near a temple.
Kamini has come a long way in terms of taking care of herself and her kids, and her general demeanor and how she carries herself in her life has improved dramatically. Today, her reaction this time was a little different---in the past when husband hit her, she just sort of accepted that husbands beat their wives on occasion, and all of her friends accept that such abuse is just what happens if a wife upsets her husband. Rarely do they want to report their husbands to the police. Today, Kamini looked disgusted with him and then asked if she and her kids could stay at Karunya Mane for a few days, saying "gandha beda," "I don't want my husband."
We asked Mary (the woman filing for divorce from her abusive husband) if she would talk to Kamini since they are both at KM, and share with her the abuse she endured from her abusive husband and what she is doing now to finally free herself from the situation.
There's a lot written about the belief that many destitute Indian women have regarding their status as second-class citizens behind the men in this society. Of course, many men believe this as well and perpetuate the inequality through abuse, dictatorial marriages, and the dowry system. A few women, in their hearts, may not believe this to be true, but for them to actually do something about it in this society is difficult, given social pressures.
We aren't sure if Kamini will ever leave her husband, or whether it even matters legally, since they may not be offically married (often, the destitute just sort of live together and have kids but never get married for the record). In any case, we are beginning to put the idea in her head that it is perfectly acceptable, and in fact possible, to leave an abusive, alcoholic husband, especially with Mary setting an example.
Kamini has come a long way in terms of taking care of herself and her kids, and her general demeanor and how she carries herself in her life has improved dramatically. Today, her reaction this time was a little different---in the past when husband hit her, she just sort of accepted that husbands beat their wives on occasion, and all of her friends accept that such abuse is just what happens if a wife upsets her husband. Rarely do they want to report their husbands to the police. Today, Kamini looked disgusted with him and then asked if she and her kids could stay at Karunya Mane for a few days, saying "gandha beda," "I don't want my husband."
We asked Mary (the woman filing for divorce from her abusive husband) if she would talk to Kamini since they are both at KM, and share with her the abuse she endured from her abusive husband and what she is doing now to finally free herself from the situation.
There's a lot written about the belief that many destitute Indian women have regarding their status as second-class citizens behind the men in this society. Of course, many men believe this as well and perpetuate the inequality through abuse, dictatorial marriages, and the dowry system. A few women, in their hearts, may not believe this to be true, but for them to actually do something about it in this society is difficult, given social pressures.
We aren't sure if Kamini will ever leave her husband, or whether it even matters legally, since they may not be offically married (often, the destitute just sort of live together and have kids but never get married for the record). In any case, we are beginning to put the idea in her head that it is perfectly acceptable, and in fact possible, to leave an abusive, alcoholic husband, especially with Mary setting an example.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
A sewing machine
The other day, while waiting with Baby for her medical checkup, she told us that she knows how to sew (called "tailoring" in India), and then later that same day, Reeta expressed interest taking a tailoring class, so that she can learn a skill. Reeta is quite eager to be able to take care of herself once she's fully recovered.
Since kids tend to lose buttons and break zippers, as well as rip their clothes often, we decided to get a sewing machine for the women to use. The machine runs on a foot pedal and requires no electricity, and even came with its own table.
(loading the machine into the ricky)
Mary and Saroja (see below; the manager's wife who takes care of the little ones) both know how to sew quite well and are making good use of the machine to fix up the kids' clothing.
Since kids tend to lose buttons and break zippers, as well as rip their clothes often, we decided to get a sewing machine for the women to use. The machine runs on a foot pedal and requires no electricity, and even came with its own table.
(loading the machine into the ricky)
Friday, June 20, 2008
Update on Mary
Finally, after two attempts (!) Mary's husband has been arrested and put in jail. The first time, confusion abound as the police who caught him did not realize that there was an order for him to go to jail and not just the overnight lockup, so they let him go free. Everyone was a bit tense for the few days that he was roaming free, as Mary's safety was at risk.
Then, he showed up at her place of work looking for her, even though this was the first place where the cops had come to pick him up a few days earlier. They kept him occupied while the police came and finally took him away to jail. He can be bailed out, but if he goes near his wife during his bail period, bail will be rescinded and he'll be back in the can, without bail.
He also pawned her ration card (identification card used in India, like a driver's license) for 800 rupees at a pawn shop. Doing so is illegal, and many loan sharks in slum areas conduct a similar practice with the poor who need money. Before her court case can continue, she needs to retrieve her card for identification... she's informed the appropriate government office, and they are handling it. Hopefully this will not take a long time.
Then, he showed up at her place of work looking for her, even though this was the first place where the cops had come to pick him up a few days earlier. They kept him occupied while the police came and finally took him away to jail. He can be bailed out, but if he goes near his wife during his bail period, bail will be rescinded and he'll be back in the can, without bail.
He also pawned her ration card (identification card used in India, like a driver's license) for 800 rupees at a pawn shop. Doing so is illegal, and many loan sharks in slum areas conduct a similar practice with the poor who need money. Before her court case can continue, she needs to retrieve her card for identification... she's informed the appropriate government office, and they are handling it. Hopefully this will not take a long time.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Abused women in India
One of our volunteers and mom of a couple of our kids at KM has been constantly abused---physically, sexually, and emotionally---by her husband for the past ten years. The most recent occurrence was yesterday. In the morning, at their home in a slum area, he started an argument with her. This led to him grabbing her by the throat, throwing her against a wall in their house, beating her legs and body with a stick until she got huge bruises, throwing a rock on her back, and then holding a knife to her.
She bravely wrestled the knife from him and then ran to her sister-in-law's house for protection. He then proceeded to throw her prized possessions---her saris---into the gutter.
The beatings have gotten progressively worse over time, and we and Auntie (she works for Auntie as her housekeeper) encouraged Mary (name changed to protect her identity) to really do something this time. She has wanted to leave him for some time now, but society's pressures encouraged her to stay. They have tried counseling, but that only encouraged her to try to be the "good wife," and the counseling, offered only once a month, addressed just basic issues in a marriage and not his violent rages. This time, we got the police involved. A women's police department exists here, and their primary function is to help women who are victims of domestic violence.
Filing the formal complaint was the typical Indian process that took over four hours, but in the end Mary got a case number, which means that she can now officially take him to court and file for divorce (unfortunately, divorce here can take years, but it is possible). If he is seen loitering around her place of employment, the neighborhood police can now arrest him and throw him in jail, not just an overnight holding area. He can get out on bail but it will be conditional bail, and if he approaches her again, his bail will be rescinded.
Tomorrow the police are going to her house where it happened to talk to the neighbors, collect evidence, then try to arrest him.
It's a long road for Mary, especially in India. We congratulate her courage in doing what's right for her safety and the safety of her kids. She is an example for the countless Indian women (and women everywhere) who are abused by their spouses. She has the guts and the self-respect to want out of a horrible situation, even though such action goes completely against her culture's ways of thinking. The typical reaction here is, "oh, this is common among 'their people'." Pointing out that it's still not right, no matter how common, often bring an uncomfortable silence to the conversation. As a divorcee, Mary will be shunned by her community and viewed as "dirty." He, on the other hand, will be free to marry again, as many times as he wants, in fact. Such is how it is here. But she’s got guts to do this, and enough self-respect to refuse to be abused by him anymore. So we and Auntie are doing whatever we can to help her.
She bravely wrestled the knife from him and then ran to her sister-in-law's house for protection. He then proceeded to throw her prized possessions---her saris---into the gutter.
The beatings have gotten progressively worse over time, and we and Auntie (she works for Auntie as her housekeeper) encouraged Mary (name changed to protect her identity) to really do something this time. She has wanted to leave him for some time now, but society's pressures encouraged her to stay. They have tried counseling, but that only encouraged her to try to be the "good wife," and the counseling, offered only once a month, addressed just basic issues in a marriage and not his violent rages. This time, we got the police involved. A women's police department exists here, and their primary function is to help women who are victims of domestic violence.
Filing the formal complaint was the typical Indian process that took over four hours, but in the end Mary got a case number, which means that she can now officially take him to court and file for divorce (unfortunately, divorce here can take years, but it is possible). If he is seen loitering around her place of employment, the neighborhood police can now arrest him and throw him in jail, not just an overnight holding area. He can get out on bail but it will be conditional bail, and if he approaches her again, his bail will be rescinded.
Tomorrow the police are going to her house where it happened to talk to the neighbors, collect evidence, then try to arrest him.
It's a long road for Mary, especially in India. We congratulate her courage in doing what's right for her safety and the safety of her kids. She is an example for the countless Indian women (and women everywhere) who are abused by their spouses. She has the guts and the self-respect to want out of a horrible situation, even though such action goes completely against her culture's ways of thinking. The typical reaction here is, "oh, this is common among 'their people'." Pointing out that it's still not right, no matter how common, often bring an uncomfortable silence to the conversation. As a divorcee, Mary will be shunned by her community and viewed as "dirty." He, on the other hand, will be free to marry again, as many times as he wants, in fact. Such is how it is here. But she’s got guts to do this, and enough self-respect to refuse to be abused by him anymore. So we and Auntie are doing whatever we can to help her.
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