In honor of our mothers

We wish the mothers in our programs a very Happy Mother's Day and Happy Mother's Day to all mothers throughout the world who work hard everyday to be there for their children.

Most of our mothers have suffered tremendous trauma and emotional and physical pain in their lives, and they entrust us with their kids in the hope that they will have a better life than they did.

We are constantly amazed at the resilience of our mothers, who have suffered horrible diseases like tuberculosis and HIV, have been beaten, shamed, told they were useless, and are often taken for granted. 

We only wish the best for them, and our goal is to help them become strong women in their own right. Many of them are on this path.

We support the mothers of our kids with medical assistance and guidance and counseling when needed or requested. 

Our mothers are a big part of our Operation Shanti family and we have watched them grow and change over the past ten years.

To our mothers, thank you for being there for your kids even though they may no longer live with you. Your influence on your kids remains the strongest of anyone.

Happy Mother's Day!

Update on Kamini and Mary

Kamini
A week ago, Kamini's husband, who has been calling her at KM and demanding that she return home, asked for their one-year-old son. We came to an agreement with him, where he could take baby for one week, then mom has baby for one week, and they rotate taking care of the little one on that timetable. He agreed. Mom wasn't very happy, but we told her that we suspected that dad would return baby after two or three days after he realized how difficult it is to take care of a baby. She knows that dad loves the children, but she also knows that when he drinks, he's a different person.

Sure enough, after the first day, dad returned baby to mom.

Dad remains very annoyed that Kamini won't return to her. He keeps asking us to tell her to return to him. We told him that she has no desire to go back to him. He couldn't understand that and asked why not. We then told him that it's because he beats her frequently, that the abuse really hurts her, and she's sick of it. He just stood there, seemingly unable to comprehend what we just told him.

Today, dad came to Karunya Mane and asked to take their older son (three years old). We were hesitant as the boy needs to take medicine every day without fail, but Kamini said that dad knows how to administer the meds properly. This time, Kamini actually came out to talk to dad. She then said that she wanted to go with him, back home, to try things out for a while and see if he's learned his lesson.

So Kamini is back with her husband, and their two boys are with them, hopefully happy and safe. We can only hope that dad learned his lesson---it seems he was completely unaware that abusing his wife is something she doesn't like. Jury's out on what will happen next, but we're all praying for the safety of Kamini's entire family.

Mary
Mary's case against her husband (who remains in jail as nobody has gone to bail him out) is moving forward. The counselor, Ranjiini, called to tell her that before the family court hears their case, they need to meet with a counselor to discuss the status of their marriage, and to determine whether there is any chance for a reconciliation. That counselor then makes a recommendation to the family court.

At this point, Mary is very happy with her life without her husband. She is staying at Karunya Mane at night and goes to work at Aunty's during the day---all without fear or worry that she'd face a drunk, abusive husband at home. She has no desire to try to reconcile with him, as she has done all that she possibly could for the past seven or eight years, and now wants a new life for herself and her kids. With Aunty's positive influence, Mary has outgrown her husband.

We're hoping that since husband has been in jail for so long now, he'll simply agree to anything Mary demands, just to get out of prison.

Moving out of her house

On Friday afternoon, when we knew that husband would be at work, we took Kamini to her house to help her get some of her things. She gathered up her clothes and some of her kids' things, and then went to talk to her landlady about the deposit she had put down, to make sure that landlady doesn't give that money to her husband, but returns it to us, as we had helped her rent the house.

Husband had called Kamini at Karunya Mane the night before. Kamini refused to speak with him, but let their son talk to dad. He then showed up on the street on Friday, where we work, demanding that we tell her to return home. We told him that she has no desire to return to him. He then said that if she doesn't return home, he'll vacate the house. To which we said fine.

We talked with Kamini about starting a little nonprofit flower "business" at Karunya Mane, as she's skilled at making and selling flower leis for a living. She's quite enthusiastic about doing so, and we'll help her sell the leis in the afternoons to the neighborhood homes.

Husband came to KM on Saturday and tried to push his way into the gate. Security and the manager shoo'ed him back outside. He threatened to return, take the kids away and make them live on the street if Kamini didn't return home with him. Kamini adamantly refused to leave KM, but was visibly shaken. We reiterated to her that she has our full support, and encouraged her to have faith in her strength to live without this man.

Unfortunately, many women in India believe that they can't survive without a husband. Even if the husband doesn't work and does nothing to care for the family, women hold fast to the belief that they need their men. Mary has the self-esteem to take care of herself, happily, without her abusive husband, and we are counseling Kamini to help her develop her self-esteem as well. It will take time, as she's spent her entire life believing that she's not smart and not strong enough to take care of herself, but her own progress and self-improvement to date proves otherwise.

Kamini after a week

After a week at Karunya Mane and away from her abusive husband, we talked to Kamini today about what she was thinking and how she was feeling.


She told us that she and her little ones are very happy at KM. We asked her about her feelings toward her husband, and she emphasized that she wants nothing to do with him. She told us that he has a good side in that he goes to work daily and he loves the kids, but when he drinks (which is often), he gets nasty and beats her.

Kamini said that her only worry now was the trouble that her husband would cause us when we are working on the street; she started to cry, worrying for our safety. We told her not to worry, he will not do anything with a lot of people around.

Earlier, we had gone to the Mysore law court to meet a social worker named Ranjini. Ranjini is stationed outside the family law court and her specific job is to help women with domestic problems---she is helping Mary with her divorce case. She explained to us that the Domestic Violence Act covers even women who are living with a man and making a home together but are not legally married, often the case with poor people in this country. Kamini would be covered under this provision.

We asked Ranjini's advice on Kamini's situation. She said that we should first ascertain what Kamini wants to do. If she chooses to leave him, she should then decide on what she wants from him---alimony, visitation rights for dad, protection. Under the Act, the court must rule on her case within three months.

Ranjini also said that Kamini may today want nothing to do with him, but later she may miss him and want to go back. At this point, the government offers counseling to both the man and the woman, such as helping the woman recognize the signals that the man is about to beat her, and working with the man to stop his pattern of abuse. Often, poor men have had no proper support while growing up, are emotionally immature, and learned to abuse women because they saw their fathers beating their mothers. The only way they know to express their frustration or anger is to beat their woman.


When Kamini was twelve, she ran way from home because her stepmother abused her. She stayed with some friends, and then lived on the street, where she met her husband. Kamini expressed to us that she feels really stupid for making bad choices when she was young, because she had taken up with this man after many people had warned her not to go with him.

Kamini said that this last beating took place during the time her son takes his nightly medicine. She told her husband to please wait before he laid into her, so he could give the boy his pills. Her husband had gotten angry with her because she was sitting with her sister-in-law, as they were making their flower garlands to sell. He doesn't like sister-in-law, so he beat his wife for interacting with her.

Family court

From "Aunty":

"This morning [Thursday], Mary and I went to the family court to check out on divorce proceedings. we met a social worker named Ranjini who works for an NGO and has a permanent table just outside the family courtroom. We explained to her the situation that Mary is presently in. She advised us of the basic procedures. Mary needs to take some proof of their marriage. She only has one family photograph---for the time being that should be sufficient---to prove they are husband and wife. She will help Mary write an application to file for divorce. Normally, the women are asked to press for maintenance (alimony), in which case, an out-of-court reconciliatory meeting is held as procedure first, before the matter is actually taken up in court. If both parties seek divorce mutually, then the process is swift and easy. If husband refuses to agree to the divorce, then the matter will have to be fought out in the family court and may take some time to settle. She will be provided with a lawyer by the court who will take care of the case on her behalf, free. The appointment of lawyer will be made after 10 days from her application to file.

She will be going to meet Ranjini at 10 am tomorrow morning with the photograph and write out an application as step one. She will guide her throughout thereafter. Her phone number is also a helpline number for women. I think she helps women who need shelter and any other legal help. It would be interesting to learn more about women's issues from her. I will try and meet her again next week and be with Mary as far as possible during the case."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Today, Mary met Ranjini again, who helped her with the application and then introduced her to a lawyer. She indicated that she wanted no alimony from her husband, just to be free of him. In the process, Aunty and Mary learned that husband is still behind bars, as nobody has posted his bail (2,000 rupees). They requested that the police notify them if he is freed, for Mary's safety.

Abuse

Today, one of our street moms, Kamini (name changed to protect her identity), came to our morning program in tears, her kids in tow. Last night, her husband hit her---and badly---on her face and head a few times. Her head hurt a lot, she said. She then told us that left the house and took her kids with her. They slept outside last night, near a temple.

Kamini has come a long way in terms of taking care of herself and her kids, and her general demeanor and how she carries herself in her life has improved dramatically. Today, her reaction this time was a little different---in the past when husband hit her, she just sort of accepted that husbands beat their wives on occasion, and all of her friends accept that such abuse is just what happens if a wife upsets her husband. Rarely do they want to report their husbands to the police. Today, Kamini looked disgusted with him and then asked if she and her kids could stay at Karunya Mane for a few days, saying "gandha beda," "I don't want my husband."

We asked Mary (the woman filing for divorce from her abusive husband) if she would talk to Kamini since they are both at KM, and share with her the abuse she endured from her abusive husband and what she is doing now to finally free herself from the situation.

There's a lot written about the belief that many destitute Indian women have regarding their status as second-class citizens behind the men in this society. Of course, many men believe this as well and perpetuate the inequality through abuse, dictatorial marriages, and the dowry system. A few women, in their hearts, may not believe this to be true, but for them to actually do something about it in this society is difficult, given social pressures.

We aren't sure if Kamini will ever leave her husband, or whether it even matters legally, since they may not be offically married (often, the destitute just sort of live together and have kids but never get married for the record). In any case, we are beginning to put the idea in her head that it is perfectly acceptable, and in fact possible, to leave an abusive, alcoholic husband, especially with Mary setting an example.

Update on Mary

Finally, after two attempts (!) Mary's husband has been arrested and put in jail. The first time, confusion abound as the police who caught him did not realize that there was an order for him to go to jail and not just the overnight lockup, so they let him go free. Everyone was a bit tense for the few days that he was roaming free, as Mary's safety was at risk.

Then, he showed up at her place of work looking for her, even though this was the first place where the cops had come to pick him up a few days earlier. They kept him occupied while the police came and finally took him away to jail. He can be bailed out, but if he goes near his wife during his bail period, bail will be rescinded and he'll be back in the can, without bail.

He also pawned her ration card (identification card used in India, like a driver's license) for 800 rupees at a pawn shop. Doing so is illegal, and many loan sharks in slum areas conduct a similar practice with the poor who need money. Before her court case can continue, she needs to retrieve her card for identification... she's informed the appropriate government office, and they are handling it. Hopefully this will not take a long time.

Abused women in India

One of our volunteers and mom of a couple of our kids at KM has been constantly abused---physically, sexually, and emotionally---by her husband for the past ten years. The most recent occurrence was yesterday. In the morning, at their home in a slum area, he started an argument with her. This led to him grabbing her by the throat, throwing her against a wall in their house, beating her legs and body with a stick until she got huge bruises, throwing a rock on her back, and then holding a knife to her.

She bravely wrestled the knife from him and then ran to her sister-in-law's house for protection. He then proceeded to throw her prized possessions---her saris---into the gutter.

The beatings have gotten progressively worse over time, and we and Auntie (she works for Auntie as her housekeeper) encouraged Mary (name changed to protect her identity) to really do something this time. She has wanted to leave him for some time now, but society's pressures encouraged her to stay. They have tried counseling, but that only encouraged her to try to be the "good wife," and the counseling, offered only once a month, addressed just basic issues in a marriage and not his violent rages. This time, we got the police involved. A women's police department exists here, and their primary function is to help women who are victims of domestic violence.

Filing the formal complaint was the typical Indian process that took over four hours, but in the end Mary got a case number, which means that she can now officially take him to court and file for divorce (unfortunately, divorce here can take years, but it is possible). If he is seen loitering around her place of employment, the neighborhood police can now arrest him and throw him in jail, not just an overnight holding area. He can get out on bail but it will be conditional bail, and if he approaches her again, his bail will be rescinded.

Tomorrow the police are going to her house where it happened to talk to the neighbors, collect evidence, then try to arrest him.

It's a long road for Mary, especially in India. We congratulate her courage in doing what's right for her safety and the safety of her kids. She is an example for the countless Indian women (and women everywhere) who are abused by their spouses. She has the guts and the self-respect to want out of a horrible situation, even though such action goes completely against her culture's ways of thinking. The typical reaction here is, "oh, this is common among 'their people'." Pointing out that it's still not right, no matter how common, often bring an uncomfortable silence to the conversation. As a divorcee, Mary will be shunned by her community and viewed as "dirty." He, on the other hand, will be free to marry again, as many times as he wants, in fact. Such is how it is here. But she’s got guts to do this, and enough self-respect to refuse to be abused by him anymore. So we and Auntie are doing whatever we can to help her.